Breaking Toxic Patterns and Building Self-Esteem: A Journey of Self-Reflection
Introduction
In my early teens, I found myself caught up in my first relationship at just 14. It all started with a chance encounter at a sports game that sparked something intense between me and this ex-boyfriend. I was drawn to him like a magnet, thinking about him constantly and staying up late into the night chatting on the phone.
Our connection became a roller coaster ride of highs and lows as time passed. We'd go from moments of intense affection to endless fights, mostly about intimacy. I felt stuck, like I had to put his needs before mine, a pattern I learned growing up, where my own desires took a back seat.
This pattern followed me into a long marriage and continued with other men. I'd find myself drawn to guys who showered me with attention, only to end up in toxic cycles of push and pull. It took me over 15 years to realize that I was the one perpetuating this cycle and that only I could break free from it.
After much reflection and growth, using journaling as a main source of discovery, I'm learning to value myself and take control of my happiness. It's a journey of self-discovery and empowerment, but each step forward brings me closer to a future where I define my worth and shape my own path to fulfillment.
Recognizing Toxic Patterns
Common Signs of Toxic Patterns
Recognizing toxic patterns is crucial for breaking free from destructive cycles. Some common signs include:
Negative Self-Talk: Constantly criticizing yourself, doubting your worth, or engaging in self-blame.
Self-Sabotage: Engaging in behaviors that undermine your own success or well-being, often out of fear or low self-esteem.
Unhealthy Relationships: Being drawn to or staying in relationships that are emotionally draining, manipulative, or abusive.
Personal Experiences and Impact on Self-Esteem
In my own journey, these toxic patterns manifested in various ways. I always had this voice in my head telling me I wasn't good enough. It made me doubt myself all the time. I'd criticize myself for every little mistake, which made me feel worse. It reached the point where I believed all those negative thoughts, and they started affecting how I saw myself and acted, including:
Thinking I Deserve Bad Treatment: I'd convince myself that I deserved to be mistreated, which made me blame myself more and accept it.
Getting Comfortable with Toxicity: Even when things were toxic, I found them familiar and almost normal because that's what I was used to.
Blaming Myself and Feeling Like a Failure: I'd always blame myself for how others treated me, feeling like I was never good enough and constantly trying to earn their approval.
Scared of Being Left Alone: I thought my worth depended on keeping others happy, so I was terrified of being rejected if I spoke up for myself.
Relying Too Much on Others for Happiness: I believed that the only way I could be happy and feel good about myself was if others, especially my partner, constantly praised and validated me.
Self-Sabotage
I would self-sabotage by always looking for validation from men. I honestly thought I didn't deserve love, so I ended up seeing love and validation in a messed-up way. When you believe you're not good enough and rely on others, especially men, for validation, it leads to bad habits. Some typical ones I suffered from include:
Relying Too Much on Relationships: I used to think my worth came from being in relationships with men, which made me depend too much on what they thought of me.
Putting Up with Bad Treatment: I'd let guys treat me badly because, deep down, I believed I deserved it, which just made me feel worse about myself.
Being Scared of Being Left Alone: I was always afraid of being abandoned or rejected, so I'd do whatever it took to keep people happy, even if it meant ignoring what I needed.
Giving Up Myself to Please Others: I'd give up my own boundaries, desires, or values in relationships to feel validated and accepted by men.
Avoiding Looking at Myself: Instead of dealing with my own issues, I'd constantly seek validation from others, which just stopped me from growing and healing.
Unhealthy Relationships
I kept finding myself in unhealthy relationships that reflected how messed up I felt inside. I thought I'd feel better about myself if someone else liked me, but it just made things worse. Being with these people made me feel empty like I wasn't good enough, and I couldn't break out of this cycle of trying to please them and never feeling good about myself. It really messed with how I saw myself. Each time it happened, I felt more and more worthless, like I couldn't even love myself anymore. And in the end, it just left me feeling lost.
Journaling, Recognizing Patterns, and Starting A Love Affair With Myself!
Through journaling, I started to realize these patterns. It became a huge eye-opener when I started to circle the same things over and over! This realization was the first step in breaking these negative patterns and changing how I talked to myself. I started looking at myself and my life more closely, working with my therapist, and taking better care of myself. It's still a work in progress, but I have started this LOVE AFFAIR WITH MYSELF, BABY!
Understanding the Root Causes
Faye’s Story
Growing up in a chaotic household or with strict religious beliefs can really affect how you see yourself and others. Let me show you an example:
Faye grew up in a really chaotic household where things were always unpredictable and emotions ran high. Her family was also really strict about women following men's lead, which made her think she had to always please others to be worth something.
As she got older, these beliefs negatively impacted her relationships with men. She kept looking for their approval and trying to stabilize things, but she kept falling into the same toxic patterns. She'd put up with being treated badly, ignored what she needed, and always feared being abandoned.
But then, Faye started working with a therapist and using journaling as an outlet to understand herself better. She realized that her past and what society expected of her had made her feel like she wasn't good enough unless someone else said so. So, she started to build a healthy relationship with herself. It's still a journey for her, but she's learning to believe in herself and be her own person again.
What are your toxic relationship patterns?
The reasons why we fall into these toxic patterns often go way back to things that happened to us from either childhood or earlier in our lives. I encourage you to really think about what's going on inside. It can help you figure out your own patterns. Reflect on:
Past Hurts: How have past difficult experiences shaped your current behaviors and choices?
Pressure from Society: How have past societal expectations or religious teachings impacted your relationships and self-worth?
Believing You're Not Good Enough: Why do you feel like you're not worth much, or why do you always need someone else's approval?
You can start making changes once you discover the root cause of these toxic patterns. It's not easy, but being open about your feelings, getting help, and questioning what you've always believed are really important steps in building your self-confidence and LIVING YOUR BEST FUCKING LIFE!
Practicing Self-Compassion
Importance of Self-Compassion
Being kind to yourself is EXTREMELY important in eliminating spiraling thoughts and feeling good about who you are. When you're kind to yourself, accept that you're not perfect (WE ARE HUMAN, NO WAY! haha), and treat yourself like you would a friend, you can stop those bad habits and start feeling better about yourself for real.
Practical Tips for Cultivating Self-Compassion
Positive Thinking: Say nice things to yourself daily to fight off those bad thoughts, and remember how fucking amazing you are!
Staying Present: Take time to relax and focus on the here and now through meditation or deep breaths. This will help you accept yourself just as you are.
Getting Help: Talk to people you trust, like friends, family, or a therapist, when you need advice or someone to lean on while you're learning to be kinder to yourself.
When you take care of yourself, be kind to yourself, and ask for help when needed, you WILL start feeling stronger and happier.
Don't forget: You deserve to treat yourself just as well as you treat your friends. You're worthy of all the love and kindness you give to others!
Setting Boundaries and Prioritizing Self-Care
Setting Boundaries for Self-Preservation
In my journey towards self-empowerment, I have crafted a list of non-negotiable relationship boundaries. These rules apply to romantic and non-romantic relationships in my life. I refuse to tolerate inconsistent behavior, disrespect, poor communication, disregard for my feelings, or a lack of genuine interest in my well-being. These boundaries serve as pillars of self-respect and protection against toxic influences.
Role of Boundaries in Self-Worth
Clear boundaries are important for protecting your feelings and feeling good about yourself. When you say what's okay and what's not okay in relationships, you show that you know your worth, can tell people what you need, and are making a safe place to grow and be happy.
Personal Strategies for Self-Care
Journaling My Feelings: I write down how I feel and what I need. It helps me understand myself better and not keep everything bottled up.
Positive Affirmations: I remind myself of powerful sayings like "I love myself more than anyone" or "I'll stand up for myself." These help me remember my worth and set boundaries.
Doing Things I Love: I make time for things that make me happy, like being outside, reading, treating myself, or enjoying my favorite foods and drinks. It makes me feel good and reminds me to love myself!
Strengthening Boundaries with Self-Confidence
“If it’s not a HELL YES, it’s a FUCK NO for me!”
Having a strong sense of self is key to sticking to your boundaries without hesitation. Understanding, accepting, and loving yourself unconditionally gives you the confidence to stand by your limits and care for yourself.
Caring for yourself, empowering yourself, and building your strength is all about LOVING and VALUING YOURSELF—it shows how much you believe in your own happiness and well-being.
Cultivating Positive Self-Talk and Affirmations
Harnessing the Power of Positive Self-Talk and Affirmations
Saying nice things to yourself and using positive words can really change how you feel about yourself and make you feel more confident. Making it a habit to tell yourself good things helps you build self-love and feel better about who you are every day.
The Impact of Positive Self-Talk
Positively talking to yourself is like finding a guiding light when you're figuring yourself out and trying to heal. Choosing positive thoughts and beliefs on purpose helps push away the bad thoughts, makes you stronger, and helps you see yourself in a kinder and more powerful way.
Empowering Affirmations for Self-Love
I honor my emotions and allow myself to express them freely.
I validate my own experiences and trust in my own truth.
I am worthy of dignity and respect as a human being.
My energy is sacred, and I choose to surround myself with those who appreciate and uplift my authentic self.
I deserve communication that is respectful and constructive, and I refuse to tolerate rage.
I prioritize my well-being and will not subject myself to environments that compromise my peace of mind.
I embrace and cherish my body, knowing that I am inherently valuable regardless of my weight.
I deserve genuine, supportive communication, and I will not entertain passive-aggressive remarks that disrupt my inner peace.
I demand to be treated with the utmost respect and will not settle for anything less, asserting my worth with confidence and grace.
I stand tall in my worthiness, knowing that I deserve to be treated with kindness, empathy, and utmost respect in every interaction, and I attract and cultivate relationships that honor and celebrate my worth.
When you use positive self-talk and affirmations, you're starting a journey of discovering who you are, being that strong-ass bitch I know you are, and loving yourself unconditionally. Just remember, the things we say to ourselves are really important - so pick good ones, believe in them, and see how they can make your life better, with more confidence and self-respect.
Conclusion
Looking back on my journey of self-discovery, I see how far I've come from those tough times in toxic relationships and doubting myself. It wasn't easy, but I made it through. And you can too.
If you're feeling stuck or lost, know that there's hope. Take some time to look inside yourself, maybe talk to someone you trust, or start writing down your thoughts. It might feel hard at first, but facing those tough feelings is the first step to feeling better.
Remember, you're not alone in this journey. There are people who care about you and want to see you happy. And most importantly, believe in yourself. You have the power to change your life for the better. You deserve to feel confident, loved, and valued. So, take that first step, and know that YOU’RE WORTH IT!
Journal Prompts
Acknowledging Toxic Patterns: Think about a behavior or pattern in your life that feels harmful or negative. How did it show up, and how did it impact you and your relationships? Recognizing these patterns is the first step in breaking free from them.
Understanding Negative Self-Talk: Dive into the origins of your inner critic. What early experiences or societal influences might have shaped how you talk to yourself? Understanding where these thoughts come from can help you challenge and change them.
Reflecting on Unhealthy Relationships: Consider a past relationship that didn't serve you well. What were the warning signs, and why did you stay? Exploring your reasons for staying can help you identify patterns or beliefs about yourself that you might want to change.
Empowering Boundaries: Recall when you asserted your boundaries in a relationship or situation. How did it feel, and what did you learn from the experience? Setting boundaries is essential to self-care and can lead to healthier relationships.
Joyful Self-Care: Describe a self-care practice that brings you joy and fulfillment. How does prioritizing self-care contribute to your well-being and self-worth? Remember to make time for activities that nourish your soul.
Cultivating Self-Compassion: Reflect on how you talk to yourself when facing challenges. Are you kind and supportive, or do you tend to be critical? Consider strategies to cultivate a more compassionate inner dialogue, fostering resilience and self-acceptance.
Ideal Relationship with Yourself: Imagine your ideal relationship with yourself. What qualities would it embody, and how would you treat yourself daily? Set intentions to cultivate this relationship, prioritizing self-love and acceptance.
Seeking Validation: Reflect on when you relied on external validation for your self-worth. How did this impact your identity and happiness? Consider steps you can take to build a stronger sense of self-worth from within.
Practicing Forgiveness: Explore the role of forgiveness in your journey. Is there someone, including yourself, that you need to forgive to move forward? Practicing forgiveness can be a powerful tool for healing and growth.
Visualizing Your Future Self: Envision your future self living authentically and confidently. What steps can you take today to align with this vision? Set goals and intentions to continue your journey of self-empowerment and growth.